"What is this place...?"

As I was sitting 11 years ago, watching the nurses and doctors working diligently on my sister, I could not hear their words, I could only hear the buzzing of human voices going around me. The beeping of the machines hooked up to my sister were giving hope to everyone in the room that she would be ok, everyone except the trained professionals who knew that their attempts were futile. I had already known for a while that they would be unsuccessful in saving her. I could see it in their eyes, hear it in their buzzing voices and I could feel the heaviness of it all. They were trained enough to know that it was futile, but the seasoned doctors and nurses wanted to believe that they were wrong, they wouldn't give up. I watched, hoping beyond hope that I was wrong also. But I knew it the moment I got the call that morning. Something just told me that she was gone. I denied it the entire 20 minute ride to her house, and then to the hospital. I tried to deny what I was feeling. I knew that my denials would soon be over, and that I would have a reality to accept, but for now, I pushed what I knew aside, and listened to the beeps. As long as the machines beeped, I didn't have to accept reality. I deliriously mumbled jargen about her needing a blanket, she was getting cold since she didn't have anything on. The doctors grew tired from working on her, the nurses took over, the nurses grew tired, then it happened, they all stopped. The beeps stopped. It was over, she was really gone. My denials would no longer be enough. I finally had to accept reality. My sister, the mother of two and loved by everyone, was really gone.





My brother and I went to pick up her children. First was Connor. He was 4 and in preschool. I went into the school, spoke through my tears about what had happened. The staff knew Theresa, and they were visibly upset. Connor's class was being dismissed, they came towards me in a line, he saw me and had a huge smile on his face, completely unaware of how much his life just changed. I didn't want him to see my tears, I just hugged him and didn't let go. We sat on a bench outside, waiting for Matt to return from picking up Ciara. Connor talked about everything he did that day. He had painted an ice cream cone and was so proud of it. His sweet, sunny spirit was such a contrast from the events that I had witnessed that morning. Matt returned with Ciara. She was one. We were all gathering back at Matt's house. Theresa, Connor and Ciara were living with Matt at the time. I turned around to look at Ciara in the carseat. She was so peaceful, and happy, Connor was continuing to tell her about his ice cream cone picture. These two were in a different place than I was. Just babies, so young, so close to Heaven.



When we arrived at Matt's house, the reality of it all continued. Most of my denials were gone, but wouldn't entirely leave until years later. Here we all were, all except Theresa. Here were her kids, her family, some friends, even her car, yet she wasn't there. I walked past her bedroom and was drawn in. I wanted to bathe myself in all of her things, an effort to be with her, and maybe bring her back. I could smell her smell. I could see her personality in everything from the comforter, to the nightstand to the clothes in the closet that I had seen her wear. The clothes reminded me of her bare body earlier that morning. She needed clothes for the hospital, she didn't have anything on when she arrived, I made a mental note to bring clean clothes to the hospital for her. I noticed her purse by the nightstand. Everything was going in slow motion, it had been in slow motion the entire morning. I ran my fingers over her purse. It was hers. For a brief moment, I panicked. 'She forgot her purse! We have to bring it to her!' Then it hit me, 'where she is, she doesn't need her clothes OR her purse!' ....' What is this place where you don't need your clothes or your purse?'... I began to feel the things inside of her purse, each item representing a little piece of her. Her lipstick, 'her pale lips don't need to be beautified where she is.' Her thick, goofy, Theresa glasses, 'where she went, her eyesight is once again perfect. She doesn't need them.' Her hair brush, 'won't she need to brush her hair? I guess not!' Her checkbook, credit cards and cash, 'She is in a place where money is of no value.' Her health insurance cards, 'where she is she will not need a doctor, she will not get sick.' Her car keys, 'she doesn't need a car to get around anymore' Her Drviers license, then it really hit me, ' WHERE SHE IS, SHE DOESN"T NEED I.D., they already know who she is!' My mind began to open, What is this place that I have always known as Heaven? I realized that my sister really was in a better place. A world where none of those things are needed. It was all of us who had gathered there on that day that had a worse fate, we had to figure out how to cope in the world where all those things ARE necessary, and now cope without her being here. We need ID, money and cars. We need things to help us see and we need to do our hair and makeup and we need to carry a purse with all our schedules and various items that help us to function in this world. She no longer needs ANY of this! I comprehended this incredible place that she had gone to for a few minutes before my mind once again closed, and I was back to my reality, she is gone. I will never get over the loss of my sister, I still think of her everyday, and talk about her more, now that I am able to do so without breaking down and crying. I wonder often about the place where she is. She joined my younger brother, who I also think of often, and grandfather who were already there. She was there and able to greet my father and grandmother a few years ago. I have felt her personality and spirit from time to time, and know that she is ok. I know they are all ok. It is when this tumultuous world begins to close in on me, and I feel down that I think of her and my other loved ones the most, I often think, "What is this place where you have gone?"

Theresa and Connor (1994)

(Left to right) Deanna, Sherry(with baby Connor), Tracey,Tammy,Theresa,Brandon, Katy(1994)

My dad, (who joined Theresa in 2004) Theresa (Holding Connor), My mother, and My grandmother Clark


My brother Michael in 1978, (just a few months before he left us)